The Trained and the Trainer
The innocense of a child's dream and purity of heart- then life grows us up through a sometimes confusing series of life decisions and lessons.
When I was a little girl, I so loved horses. I was infatuated with every horse story that I read and wished that I could ride like the wind on a horse of my very own. The rose-colored glasses that I chose to wear at that time worked well during my childhood but not so much as I grew older, nevertheless, that is how I continued to view my world.
Speed ahead through divorce, second marriage, second divorce, career change...I continued to view the world through the rose colored gasses of my childhood. The glasses were so small, dirty, and cracked that I could not see through them. They kept falling off but I would put them quickly back on so I did not have to see. One day though, I had seen too much and I knew that the rose colored glasses were a joke- a real bad joke that I have been putting on myself for years. They did not help me see the world in a nicer, softer light at all; those glasses prevented me from the truth.
The first thing I worked on was to change my approach to life. Panic and reactionary mode was the inneffective approach I used in the past. It was difficult, but a new sense of responsibility was welling within me and I knew that I could be successful and solution driven. Alanon helped me find myself and love me for who I was right then- shortcomings and all. This was the first step.
I will never forget the day that I really came to grips with what I had become...the double life that I had been living and how it broke God's heart. I know how I hurt HIM because He showed me that heart in church one day. I started crying during that service and couldn't stop, in fact I didn't stop until I got to my car. Funny thing is, I don't remember anything else about that day except the overwhelming love and the overwhelming feeling that I didn't deserve it. "God, you have to speak louder," I begged, "I don't know what to do!" The end of the second marriage followed. I continued to work on self love and forgiveness of my mistakes. It took a couple of years before I could even get close to self respect.
Respect (Respectable) according to Websters dictionary is "worthy of respect: to consider worthy of high regard: decent or correct in character or behavior." Respect must be earned. You cannot MAKE someone or something respect you if you do not respect yourself and, yes, I am sure. Think about it. Think about someone you respect and then list ways that that person shows respect for him or herself. Examples might be a kind and accepting heart, speaks the truth, lifts people up- never tearing down; sets situations up for success, not failure and then celebrates those successes with those around him/her; lives with and exemplifies healthy boundaries.
I always thought that I was good at loving others, after all I had lots of patience and forgiveness and used it often. So often in fact, that it wore out and then there was little left to give. In retrospect, this problem was a direct result of failure to establish healthy personal boundaries in my own life which then resulted in people taking advantage of me. I did not have love for myself so how could a healthy love relationship ensue?
The training begins.
Well, finally horses entered into my life path and, though I could fool myself and live in my own version of reality around the human race, it was completely unsuccessful with a horse. I desparately wanted my horse to love me, listen to me, and do what I asked of her so I lavished her with love without limits (or boundaries.) It turns out that this is a rather unhealthy and unsafe way to proceed with relationship development. She thought she could do as she pleased! She would walk backward when I said forward and go when I wanted her to stop. Have you ever tried to lift a horse's foot without the cooperation of the animal.. IT DOESN'T WORK! There were other habits that I noticed the horse had; but honestly, it only occurred around me. When the horse trainer took over, there was no misbehaving. "That is what I want," I thought, " I want that kind of relationship with my horse." So I began to learn by being humble and asking for correction from the trainer, by bringing my problems to the trainer and asking for direction on how to correct and prevent further difficulties.
The Trainer steps in.
This is what God wants us to do. Bring our disappointments to Him and He will make our paths straight. Quit insisting on walking our own way; He will provide us correction if we are open to receiving it. A multitude of sin was forgiven in one day, a long time ago by a Savior- our Savior. The day I left all my burdens there at the foot of the cross was the first day on the straight path. Truth and respect are present in love. You cannot have healthy love without it.
The story has only just begun but I will share what has happened so far. I learned to stand firm and protect my own space, first with a horse and then with people in my life. I learned true respect from my horse and then it started coming from people in my life. I learned to communicate requests clearly to my horse and then clear communication improved outcomes at my job. Through my horse, our God and Trainer, taught me how to heal, to accept love and to establish healthy boundaries. Truth and respect are evident in my life and I openly share it with everyone around me....including my horse :)
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